Written by guest writer, Deb Porter, owner of HOLD.
Take Joe, for example. His marriage was ending, and the circumstances were heartbreaking. His wife had been unfaithful, and they were signing divorce papers. But despite the betrayal and the hurt, Joe made a decision. He wanted to communicate well—not for his wife, not even for himself, but for their one-year-old son. Joe knew his son would need both parents working together in some way, even if they were no longer married. So, Joe did the hard thing: he chose to listen, even when it hurt, and he worked on expressing himself clearly to minimize unnecessary conflict.
The Power of Listening During Divorce
Joe’s approach required something many of us struggle with in the best of times: active listening. Active listening is more than just hearing words—it’s fully engaging with what the other person is saying, seeking to understand their perspective without judgment or interruption.
Active listening is the art of engaging with both the content and emotions. In order to truly hear someone, both are required. It’s a skill that goes beyond just waiting for your turn to speak. It requires presence, patience, and self-regulation—qualities that are particularly hard to access during the stress of divorce.
When Joe’s wife spoke about her concerns and needs, he made a conscious effort to listen, even when his emotions threatened to take over. He repeated back what he thought he heard to make sure he understood her correctly: “What I’m hearing is that you’re worried about how we’ll handle holidays. Is that right?” This simple act of clarification helped reduce misunderstandings and ensured they were addressing the same issues.
Through their strong commitment to communication, they managed something remarkable: not only their immediate family but both extended families were able to come together for their son’s first Christmas. It wasn’t easy, but their willingness to listen and collaborate created a foundation for these kinds of shared moments. Small, intentional steps made a big difference.
Why Listening Matters in Divorce
Divorce conversations are often fraught with blame, anger, and sadness. When emotions run high, it’s easy to get caught in cycles of reacting rather than responding. Listening allows you to pause those cycles and approach conversations with clarity and purpose. It doesn’t mean you have to agree with the other person, but it does mean you’re willing to create a space where real dialogue can happen.
Good communication during divorce isn’t just about getting through the legal process—it’s about setting a foundation for what comes next. Whether you share children, a business, or just a lingering need to settle things amicably, listening can help reduce conflict and pave the way for healthier interactions in the future. And remember, you take you with you in every relationship. The effort you put into improving your communication now benefits not only your current situation but also the way you connect with others moving forward.
I was recently talking with a friend who shared her experience growing up in a blended family. She explained that words like “step” or “half” were never part of her vocabulary—they simply didn’t fit how she viewed her siblings or her family dynamic. Even when relationships between the adults in her life didn’t last, there was still a clear commitment to the family as a whole. This high level of emotional intelligence allowed everyone to feel valued, seen, and loved for who they were. It’s a beautiful example of how prioritizing connection and understanding, even through difficult transitions, can create a sense of stability and belonging for everyone involved.
This is achieved through excellent communication, even when it’s hard.
How to Communicate Effectively Through Divorce
Here are some strategies inspired by Joe’s story and grounded in the principles of active listening:
1. Get Clear on Your Priorities
Before engaging in difficult conversations, take time to reflect on what you truly want and why it matters. Joe knew his top priority was his son’s well-being, and that clarity guided his approach. What’s your top priority? Knowing this will help you stay focused when emotions run high.
2. Practice Active Listening
When the other person is speaking, focus entirely on their words and emotions. Resist the urge to interrupt or plan your response while they’re talking. Instead, paraphrase what you’ve heard to confirm understanding: “It sounds like you’re concerned about the timing of the custody schedule. Is that correct?” This not only helps prevent miscommunication but also demonstrates respect.
3. Pause When Emotions Escalate
It’s hard to communicate effectively when you’re angry or hurt. If you feel yourself becoming reactive, it’s okay to take a break. Say something like, “I want to have this conversation, but I need some time to collect my thoughts. Can we come back to this when I’m able to be clear and calm?” Pausing isn’t a failure—it’s a strategy for staying grounded. It’s extremely important, however, to return to the conversation when you are. If you don’t, it breaks trust and resentment builds.
4. Be Intentional with Your Words
Choose your words carefully, especially when discussing sensitive topics. Stick to “I” statements that express your feelings and needs without placing blame: “I feel concerned about how we’ll handle school drop-offs. Can we talk about a plan that works for both of us?” This approach keeps the focus on collaboration rather than conflict.
5. Focus on the Bigger Picture
It’s easy to get bogged down in details or old grievances, but try to keep the bigger picture in mind. Joe reminded himself constantly that the end goal was a stable, loving environment for his son. What’s your bigger picture? Let that guide your communication.
Making It Work: Listening as a Path Forward
Joe didn’t always get it right—no one does. There were moments when his emotions got the better of him, and times when he had to revisit conversations because he didn’t listen as well as he wanted to. But his commitment to improving communication paid off. Over time, he and his ex-wife were able to co-parent effectively, ensuring their son felt supported and loved.
You don’t have to navigate this journey alone. If you’re feeling overwhelmed by the challenges of divorce communication, remember that help is available. Sometimes, having someone to listen to you—truly listen—can provide the clarity and relief you need to move forward. At HOLD (Hearing Out Life Drama), our confidential listening service is here to support you during life’s toughest moments, giving you the space to process your thoughts and find your way forward.
Divorce is never easy, but how you communicate through it can make a world of difference. By practicing active listening and staying clear on your priorities, you can create a path that’s less about conflict and more about understanding and healing—for yourself, and for everyone involved.